I think we all leave things behind.

Have you ever found yourself looking back into your mind, to times where everything felt alright? Tonight i was driving home from a movie, and i sort of fell into thoughts that turn my stomach and get me feeling sea-sick.

I think I have a photographic memory. I get stills that hang over my eyes, so perfectly. It's sort of repulsive, but it's like something so painfully beautiful that you can't look away.
I started thinking, about what they're thinking, and if that time of my life was the best I'll ever have.

There is some people you just click with, some people you will remember, even when you stop breathing, even when all your friends grow up, and move out and move on and forget about you.
I think that if I could go back, perhaps I could change things, perhaps I could change my mind, and their mind.

I remember I used to walk to your door. Just to surprise you, just because you knew that I'd walked that whole way, just for you. For you. Because I cared, because I did care and still care and it hurt, and it still hurts.

I don't know how, but it seems that when you love someone you inevitably push them away and you hurt them intentionally, until all that was once beautiful is tarnished and ugly, and you struggle the see the life in their eyes. we love to hurt and to be hurt.

I went to the effort of pretending to throw everything out but when you left, I collected it, like a scavenger and hid it because i knew - That in twenty years, I'm going to look back and just weep over it all. Its like Pandora's box, when I open this, I'm going to let all the evil out that I've contained inside me.

And then there is the present, and the re-occurring structures that you ever so hate, but seem to remake like a junkie that knows no other way of existence. I left behind what I knew to start re-writing history. And trust is a arrow that once you've fired, it's lost, its gone, it wont come back.

All i know is these bones just get colder, and the beauty fades from everything desireable. Until you only desire escape.


I'm going to end up empty, a lonely vessel with no-one to set sail.